Tips for Talking about LGBTQ+ and Faith

Step One: Preparation

1.  I have thought about this issue carefully and I have learned about both “sides” perspectives

2.  I have thought about what level of investment I have in this issue, whether my position is:

A.  An idea I have (I’m not sure, but this is what I currently think) 

B.  A preference I have (I’ve thought about it, learned about it and I am leaning towards a certain side)

C.  A faith claim or a value I hold (I’ve thought about it deeply, learned about it, and I am firm in my own position on this issue)

3.  I’ve identified who I want to talk to and I have asked them if they would be willing to have a conversation with me. I’ve asked them when would be a good time to talk.

Step Two:  Time to talk and even more important, to listen!

1.   Ask your conversation partner to share their thoughts. For example: “I’ve been thinking a lot lately about LGBTQ+ people and faith and wonder what your thoughts are about that?”  Say something that reduces tension: "I admire how thoughtful you are…” (be authentic here, tell the person why you chose them - it’s a compliment!).

2.  Listen with curiosity.

A. You have asked them to share, let them talk, do NOT interrupt.  

B. Be aware of your posture - are you inviting conversation or shutting it down?

C. Be aware of your emotions - is something hard to hear?  File that away to consider later. If someone is being a bully, see below.

D. Be aware of keeping track of what your conversation partner is actually saying.

E. Listen for points you agree with.

F. When your conversation partner has finished speaking, repeat a summary back to them and check for understanding: “Does this sound right?  Did I hear you correctly?”  They will say yes or no and then explain.  

G.  Ask if there is anything else they want to add, and then ask any clarifying questions you have. Use “I” language: “I heard you say…” not “You said…”

3.  Your turn!

A.  List some points of agreement you have, or float some ideas. 
For example, using our sample topic:  “I hear your very deep faith and I admire that. I am a person of faith myself”  Look for and share what you agree with.

B.  Make your point - if you have a point - with a story. 
For example, in this scenario you are in favor of faith as an option for LGBTQ+ people. Don’t regale your conversation partner with statistics, work them into a story from your life.  “I have been a church member for many years and have led our youth homelessness ministry.” Tell a story about that, including any statistics or salient facts you may know (do your homework!).

C. Include the point(s) that you have previously heard your conversation partner say and that you agree with.

E.  Finish your story and wait for a summary and clarifying questions.

F.  Go back and forth as long as it takes.  If you are both enjoying sharing your thoughts and are responding to each other with interest and curiosity, hurray!

Some caveats:

If your conversation partner is NOT curious about what you think, that is their loss. 

If you start to feel as if you are being bullied, very uncomfortable, or even start to feel unsafe, you should thank them for taking the time to talk with you and excuse yourself.  You suddenly remembered an important phone call (or something). Leave gracefully, but DO leave!

Remember that your conversation partner is sharing their opinions - and that you are, too!  It’s not about swapping “facts” but rather about curiosity, learning from each other, and looking for agreement. Be authentic and be respectful. 

If you know something is too tender for you to talk about, it’s best for you and for your conversation partner if you think about it and talk about it with friends and perhaps a helping professional before trying this.

Step Three:  Now what?

1.  You have asked and listened and learned and your conversation partner has, too. What areas of agreement do you have?  List them.

2.  Now you can ask this beautiful question:  “I wonder what we might be able to do together about promoting faith as a value?” (or another question)

To use our example, here are some sample areas of agreement:

You agree that faith is personally enriching.

You agree that faith is good for society.

What might you do together?

Partner together on a faith-based service project.

Connect each other with other people of faith who care
about their community.

Hold a community event where each of you talks about your
faith and how that promotes friendships.

Isn’t it lovely!

In this example you have found that both you and your conversation partner care deeply about faith.  You don’t agree about your theology, but that’s fine - you weren’t trying to change anyone’s mind (right?). Now you two can work together to promote faith as a positive force in the world. And won’t everyone be amazed that you are doing this together?  Hope will spread, flowers will bloom. 

Have a story to share about Curious and Collaborative Conversations?  Let us know!  And:  this tip sheet is just a start - want to go deeper?  Contact Rev. Marian Edmonds-Allen at marian@parity.nyc.